Sponsored Video :: Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Canis Lupus Advice Clinic

5 Posted by - March 2, 2013 - Screen Time

When you think of Jean-Claude Van Damme what do you see?

You see an 80’s action hero. You see the “Muscles from Brussels.” You see spin-kicks. You see him doing the splits. You see one cold-a** mother[shut yo mouth].

So it makes sense that JCVD would thrive in the kind of conditions that made Liam Neeson strap mini liquor bottles to his hands. He’s out in The Grey, but there’s no strife. No wolves are trying to hunt him down. It’s all bless in the wilderness for Luc Devreux.

Neeson needed a snorkel jacket and a hat, the Universal Soldier rocks a sleeveless denim vest and loafers for his sub-zero adventures. Neeson had to strap up with a broken-bottle knuckleduster, the Time Cop comes equipped with a beer-bottle-pan-flute.

As it turns out, wolves are not actually as gully as The Grey made them out to be. Even if they were, no wolf, alpha, omega, or zeta, would dare try Lt. William F. Guile, lest they face his Sonic Boom. Or a spin kick from a polished loafer.

So it makes sense on every level that Van Damme would have to call the wolves to him… with that song from Top Gun. He calls on the wolves because he feels they’re lacking something in their lives, so he gives the one wolf sensible enough to heed his call a little advice –

Listen, my little furry friend… nothing compares to the ice-cold refreshment of a Coors Light

– Jean-Claude Van Damme, Wolf Whisperer


As the weekend dawns, we could all use a beer-bottle-pan-flute-blowing action hero to remind us to chill.

I hope this becomes a thing; Dolph Lundgren down in the Outback giving life advice to coyotes; Schwarzenegger in the Middle-East, kicking game to jackals; Steven Seagal marching around the inner-city, trying to improve the lot of urban foxes. The world would be a far more bada** place.

This post is sponsored by Coors Light